I cried because I got too tired

I’m tired of feeling like every article I try to write isn’t meaningful enough, isn’t written well enough, or just all around isn’t good enough.

I’m tired of feeling like I shouldn’t post something because it’s “not a good time” or it’s not what people want to see.

I’m tired of having a good idea or a passion for something be ruined because I feel like if I don’t start right now, I’m being useless and wasting something that could be successful.

I’m tired of letting complete bullshit norms that society and social media has embedded into my brain altar my decisions and my happiness.

I scroll through my camera roll filled with tens of thousands of photos of me traveling, riding horses, hanging with my friends, or out with my family and yet can’t find a single one to post. It’s frustrating to want to share photos and videos of memories you’ve made but not post them because something in your subconscious is telling you that you don’t look pretty enough or it won’t get any likes. How insane that I’ve allowed myself to think this way?

It’s crazy that I want to share my thoughts on anxiety, depression, and how I deal with the bad days, but delete every word I type because my mind tells me it’s not going to matter to enough people. I used to write and be happy if it touched one person, then a voice in the back of my head told me I wasn’t doing enough. I needed to reach a larger audience or my work was pointless. I needed more followers. I needed more subscribers.

It blows my mind that I allowed the carefree and free-spirited girl that I am, become a prisoner to such negative thoughts, but that ends today.

I’m going to stop letting social media and my own thoughts make feeling unaccomplished, unworthy, or unsuccessful. All the pressure I feel doesn’t even exist. Nobody is telling me I have to accomplish anything right now. Nobody is telling me my picture isn’t pretty enough. Nobody is saying it doesn’t matter.

I’m going to have to take an extra semester of college since I decided to transfer and study abroad, but instead of feeling like a loser because I think people will judge me, I should pride myself on graduating high school a year early. I should remind myself that I moved out at 17 and attended a university that so many wish they could attend. I should be proud of myself for realizing that wasn’t where I belonged even if my friends were all there and having the guts to transfer to a school where I knew nobody.  I should be proud of myself for being brave enough to move across the world to Australia and attending a university I knew nothing about. College is about educating yourself and preparing yourself for the future, not worrying about was Suzy and her friends think because I didn’t graduate in four years.

Instead of being mad that I can’t build a home for teens who were kicked out of their homes for being gay at this very moment, I should continue to do my research and be happy knowing that one day when the time is right, I’m going to change a lot of lives.

Instead of trying to find a picture I think people will like, I will post the picture that makes me happy.

I’m not going to delete this article because I think it’s useless and me just rambling. I’m going to post and hope that maybe just one other person will read it and realize they too need to quit putting so much pressure on her or himself.

We’re not all meant to live the same life or accomplish the same things. We’re not all meant to become the next Ellen or Oprah but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t help the few people we can. Not all writers will be liked or read my millions, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t post their work for the neighbors down the road who love it.

If you’re reading this and you feel tired, take a step back and work on remembering what really matters.

I’m promising myself from this day on to live my life day by day and enjoy each moment. I’m going to continue to work towards the future I dream about while remembering I am still young and I am far from running out of time. I am going to remember my intentions. I am going to remember what I started. I am going to remember what truly matters.

Tonight I got real tired.

Tomorrow I will be happy with me

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  • Reply
    Katherine Carr
    April 29, 2019 at 2:07 pm

    I love this P- very raw and personal- I am very proud of you.
    Live your life with ♥️
    Love you,

  • Reply
    Deb Jones
    April 29, 2019 at 2:34 pm

    THANK YOU Paris for posting this blog!! I think everyone can relate to this.

  • Reply
    April 30, 2019 at 3:46 am

    I love this PJ! I also struggle with the same things and am glad I am not alone. So many others feel the same way.

    I am so very proud of you for all the things you have accomplished and all your courage. Love you so much! Keep being you<3

  • Reply
    May 3, 2019 at 4:13 am

    This is so true for so many people our age. Thank you for sharing I needed this.

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